


Not In That Way

by EmpatheticFox



Category: South Park
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Self-Esteem Issues, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-12
Updated: 2018-05-12
Packaged: 2019-05-04 18:00:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,046
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14598603
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EmpatheticFox/pseuds/EmpatheticFox
Summary: Over the years, Kyle never really changed in terms of personality.He was always there for Stan when he needed him the most. Always a source of comfort and support. They were super best friends until the end of time. Which is why it's so hard to bear that Kyle will never love Stan back. Because you see, Kyle is straight and with every girl he kisses, Stan gets closer to his breaking point.





	Not In That Way

**Author's Note:**

> Possible Trigger Warnings: Self-hatred, alcohol abuse, suicidal thoughts, implied self-harm 
> 
> This....got out of hand really fast.

Over the years, Kyle never really changed in terms of personality.

 

He was always that reliable, care-too-much kid. Always the one to hold study groups and tutor on the weekends to those who struggled. He was caring, compassionate, and just an overall good person. And yet, despite his kind disposition, he had a temper that could rival anyone. Call him a name and you’d be kissing concrete before you could even blink.

 

He had always been that way and he still is.

 

The only thing that really changed about Kyle was his look. His ushanka stayed on him most of the time but he, occasionally, takes it off. The day Kyle Broflovski took his hat off, all eyes were on his tamed curly locks. The Jewfro was long dead and Kyle radiated a new confidence that no one had ever seen. His wardrobe remained the same which consisted of polos, t-shirts, odd colored jeans, and his weird fixation with orange cardigans. Stan never understood it considering orange wasn’t even Kyle’s favorite color. Nevertheless, after Kyle’s “transformation” all the girls flocked to him. Oh, that’s another change.

 

Kyle was a total ladies man and he  _ enjoyed it. _

 

Kyle had told Stan often that he hated girls and never wanted to kiss them. Sure, that was when they were young but even in freshman and sophomore year of high school, Kyle barely spoke to girls. Never went to dances, never went out on dates, never even kissed a girl. Then he completely changed. Stan caught Kyle and Wendy making out in the men’s bathroom one day during junior year and he had to control the urge to vomit everywhere. Kyle was initially embarrassed but after being caught many  _ many  _ times by Stan, he lost whatever filter he had. Kyle would have girls over when it was just supposed to be bro time and Stan would leave an hour in to escape the nastiness that was straight Kyle. Regular Kyle was sometimes hard to deal with but straight, horny Kyle was a whole other ballgame.

 

What even brought on this sudden change in his super best friend?

 

I guess you could say it was a change for a change. Stan had changed too but his felt more soul-crushing. It all started with the depression, the cynicism, and the anxiety. It all came so suddenly and his parent’s inevitable divorce didn’t help. Nothing helped and everything was complete shit. To top it all off, Kyle decided he had enough of Stan’s bullshit. He told him that he couldn’t do this anymore, being around him was too emotionally draining. Then he turned his back on him. So, he did the only thing that made life bearable, he drank.

 

At the time, Stan was pissed and he still kind of is but, he understood where Kyle was coming from. Stan was being an absolute asshole and Kyle didn’t deserve that shit. After that day, Stan spent most of his nights drowning himself in alcohol. It wasn’t hard considering how Randy bought more beer than groceries most of the time.

 

All those nights, Stan wondered how everything went wrong. His friends, his family, his whole life was just gone. What was the point of going on when nothing makes you happy anymore? He was a such a fool for even thinking he could make something of himself. Everything he touched fell apart. What was the goddamn point of anything?

His self-deprecating thoughts made him drink more. Everything got hazy those nights. He would wake up with no recollection of what he did the previous night. He used to check his body in the morning for any damage but once he started finding cut marks he stopped. He didn’t want the reality of the situation to sink in. It would just give him another reason to hate himself.

 

One of the things he did amidst his drunken deeds, apparently, was text people. After a noticeable line was cut in his close friendships, he never hung out with anyone. Kenny would come over once a month for booze and that was all the contact he had. However, out of nowhere, people started approaching him about things he had texted to them. If he had any dignity left, he might have felt embarrassed. He would simply give a monotone apology and move on. This all continued for some time until one night.

 

One night, he got completely hammered but despite the alcohol, he remembers exactly what happened.

 

* * *

 

 

He was nursing a bottle of Jack Daniels and texting what he thought would be his last words. He sent the message and threw his phone across his room. A ringtone came on immediately but he didn’t check it. What was the point? He could barely remember what it said. Something about dying or hating himself probably. He took another long drink of the Jack Daniels. Everything was white noise.

 

“I could just leave.” He speaks out loud. “Life would move on.”

 

The spoken words strike him. Hot tears pour down his face as he looks out his window. He rarely cries but tonight the tears come without restraint. Sobs ripped through him as he curled into himself. It felt like the walls were caving in on him. He yanked at his greasy hair and writhed against his sheets. Some part of him hoped that someone would hear his cries. However, after some time, no one came. That fact began to soothe him and his cries turned into whimpers. The silence brought a sense of calm that made him bring the bottle to his lips again.

 

After every breakdown, Stan was left with the lonely silence he became accustomed to.

 

The silence was loudly interrupted by a soft knocking at his door.  _ Shit, is mom home?  _ He stayed quiet in hopes that whoever it was would go away, come in, he wasn’t sure what he wanted. He hiccuped softly and pressed himself against the corner of the wall.

 

“Hey,” The voice spoke softly with another knock. “I know you’re in there, Stan.”

 

He knew that voice. Or did he? “I’m fine, ma.” He slurred.

 

The door opened and Stan pulled the covers over himself. The voice sighed harshly. After a moment, he felt the bed dip and the covers were yanked off of him.

 

“Hey,” Stan whined. His face changed when he realized who the person was. “Oh, Kyle.”

 

“Hey, Stan.” Kyle bit his lip and furrowed his eyebrows. He wore that face. That face that Kyle reserved just for him. Was it pity or concern? He didn’t give a fuck, he just didn’t want to see it right now.

 

“Don’t give me that face.” He hiccuped and went to take another drink.

 

“Don’t you think you’ve had enough?” Kyle placed his hand on the bottle.

 

“Who cares?” Stan slurred and took another long drink.

 

He took a second to look at Kyle. He wasn’t wearing his hat which was very un-Kyle. Things were starting to blur but he remembers seeing checkered pants and a grey shirt. Kyle was wearing his pajamas.  _ Why was he even here? _

 

“Why you here?” Stan grunted.

 

A pause. “You texted me.”  _ Oh. _

 

Stan stared at him for a few moments. “I don’t need a lecture mom!” He shouted and took another drink, as if indignant. He frowned when he realized that the bottle was lighter now.

 

Kyle sighed again and ran a hand through his curls. “I’m not here to lecture you…. Look, I’ve been really shitty lately. I’ve been...really selfish…I miss you, Stan. I’m worried about you.”

 

“Why?” Stan spat. “I don’t deserve anything. I’m worthless-”

 

“No, you’re not!” Kyle’s voice cracked from the sudden volume of his voice. “You’re my best friend, asshole! I love you and I can’t stand to see you do this to yourself. Don’t think I haven’t been keeping an eye on you! I thought if I stepped aside...it would help you. It was dumb, I was dumb.”

 

Kyle reached forward and snatched the bottle from Stan’s grip. He placed his other hand firmly on Stan’s shoulder. His eyes bore into Stan’s. Stan couldn’t figure out the intense almost conflicted expression the redhead held. He remembers the fire in those green eyes. The softness of that fire made him want to lock himself away and write Emo poems about those emerald eyes. Stan’s stomach flip-flopped at the tight feeling in his chest.  _ Why was Kyle looking at him like that? _

 

“I really care about you, Stanley,” Kyle whispered.

 

Those words broke him. Stan hiccuped a sob and threw himself into the other’s arms. Everything poured out of him. The way Kyle gripped him back and hushed him made him break down more. Love, comfort, support. That’s all he really needed. Nothing could be fixed overnight but, being in Kyle’s arms was a start. Stan’s sobs faded to whimpers and his body shook from the exhaustion. Kyle helped lower him from his shoulders so that Stan could lay his head in Kyle’s lap.

 

Stan couldn’t look Kyle in the eyes, the sobbing having sobered him up. Still, Kyle brushed his bangs back in such an intimate way. He took a chance to look at Kyle’s face. Their eyes locked and Kyle smiled softly and Stan felt his cheeks grow warm. He hiccuped again and looked away. He didn’t move yet, he didn’t know what would happen if he broke the silence. Luckily, he didn’t have to because Kyle started to hum.

 

“Oh, Florida please be still tonight. Don’t disturb this love of mine. Look how she’s so serene. You gotta help me out,” Kyle sang quietly and Stan felt a lump in his throat. “And count the stars to form the lines and find the words we’ll sing in time. I wanna keep her dreaming. It’s my one wish. I won’t forget this.”

 

Stan looked up at his best friend and whispered the next few lyrics. “I’m outdated, overrated. Morning seems so far away.” Kyle grinned brightly, his nose crinkling. Stan sighed heavily.  _ God since when was Kyle so goddamn beautiful? _

 

“So I'll sing a melody and hope to God she's listening. Sleeping softly while I sing. And I'll be your memories.” The two sang softly together. “Your lullaby for all the times, hoping that my voice could get it right.”

 

“Kyle…” Stan’s voice shook. Everything in him was screaming to kiss him. Grab his best friend and kiss him senseless. Surely it was the alcohol? But no, oh god no. Had he always felt this way? Stan gazed at the redhead who was practically beaming like the damn sun at him.  _ What the fuck is wrong with me?  _ Overwhelmed by these feelings, he simply stared back and tried not to puke.

 

“Stan,” Kyle laughed and shook his head. “I’ll always be here as your friend, okay? Super best friends. I swear this time I mean it.”

 

“I-I,” Stan whimpered. He took Kyle’s hand and laced their fingers together. “I’m sorry for everything. I’ll always be here too. Super best friends…..I swear this time I mean it.”

 

Kyle giggled. He  _ giggled _ and squeezed Stan’s hand. “Let’s get you cleaned up and into bed, stupid.”

 

Kyle helped him into the bathroom and sat him down on the stool. He gently rolled up Stan's sleeves and rubbed the fading marks along his arms. He sighed and grabbed the first aid kit. He cleaned each mark gently despite the fact they were already healing. As Kyle helped him clean his face and brush his teeth, Stan hummed quietly to himself.  _ You could crush me. Please don’t crush me. _

 

* * *

 

 

The following morning after he and Kyle reconciled was interesting. First of all, he woke up and nearly broke his leg in his haste to vomit in the bathroom. He and Kyle had apparently fallen asleep in the same bed and Stan was stuck between him and the wall. The sudden lurch of his stomach woke him up and he nearly crushed Kyle in his rush to get out of bed. He remembers a loud thunk faintly. Okay, so maybe he knocked Kyle off the bed but it was a matter of life or death.

 

In hindsight, Jack Daniels was a mistake. The whiskey never settled well in his stomach and it made his throat burn. And he had consumed almost a whole bottle of it which was just great. After all the contents of his stomach were removed, he laid his head against the porcelain with a groan.

 

“Feel better now?” Stan gave a gurgling moan and Kyle chuckled. “Here, drink some water. I’ll be back in a bit.”

 

“Where ya going?” Stan mumbled.  _ Please, don’t go. _

 

“I’m going to make breakfast, dude. Now drink your water and shut up.” Stan gagged at the idea of food. Kyle laughed. “Hush, It’s a hangover cure and I’m hungry.”

 

Stan drank the cup of water and leaned his head against the wall. Most hangovers were spent on the floor of the bathroom or in the shower dissociating. It was odd to have someone take care of him instead. Odd but not bad. Also unlike most hangovers, he remembered a majority of the previous night. Kyle’s apology, Kyle’s voice, the way Kyle looked at him as if he was the most important thing in the world. He remembered every detail vividly. Even the white panic he felt when he wanted to kiss him.

 

_ Oh, sweet Jesus. _

 

His cheeks heated at the thought. He pulled himself up and began to wash his face. The cold water was welcoming but his thoughts still swarmed. Why did he want to kiss Kyle? Kyle was his best friend and he was convinced he hated him until last night. Why now? Maybe, it was the alcohol. Maybe he just wanted to kiss him. Yeah, that must be it. It was just an urge to kiss him and that’s it. He was starved of affection clearly.

 

Stan gave a large exhale and frowned at his reflection. He needed to shower right now. He sniffed his clothes and realized that those had to go too. He went to grab some cleaner clothes and took a fast shower. Feeling sufficiently better, he went down to see if Kyle was in the kitchen. Kyle was leaning against the counter scrolling through his phone. He looked up when Stan walked in.

 

“I made eggs and toast. You should try eating a little at least.”

 

“Thanks, mom.” Stan sat and grabbed a piece of toast and took a tentative bite. He was pleased to not feel nausea creep up again.

 

“Shut up.” They ate in silence for a bit. Kyle was the first to break it. “So, do you remember anything about last night?”

 

“Vaguely.” He lied.

 

“Hmm,” Kyle chewed on his egg and seemed to choose his next few words carefully. “Do you remember texting me?”

 

“Oh,” Stan tried to recall, but that was one thing he blocked out. “I really don’t. How stupid was it?”

 

Kyle was silent for a while so, Stan looked up at him. Kyle was chewing his lip with a concerned look on his face. His arms were crossed almost defensively against his chest. Stan, suddenly, really didn’t want to know what he said.

 

“It was hard to completely make out but you said you missed me. You said that ever since we fought you haven't forgiven yourself and that life is miserable. You said that you...you had nothing to live for anymore and that if you just...offed yourself everyone would be happy.”

 

“I-” Stan’s breath hitched. “I’m so sorry you had to see that.”

 

“Why?”

 

“W-Why? Why what?”

 

“Why do you think everyone would be happy if you killed yourself?” Kyle finally made eye contact with him. His eyes burned and Stan wanted to hide but he was frozen in place.

 

“I-I just...I screw everything up. I drove away everyone who ever cared about me. I’m such a burden. No one wants to be around a mess like me. I’m just worthless-”

 

“Stop!” Kyle shouted causing Stan to jump. “You are not! Don’t just say that!” Kyle’s face reddened and he took a moment to rub his eyes.  _ Was he crying? _

 

“Kyle?”

 

“You’re not worthless. You’re my b-best friend, Stan. I-” Kyle sniffed and tried to compose himself again. “I care about you. I would care if you...you know. I would! You know how fucking scary it is to get a text like that in the middle of the night? I know you’ve been struggling, okay? I was watching you at school. I saw the c-cuts on your arms and how exhausted you always looked. I knew and I just...I was too much of a pussy to say anything.”

 

“I-,” Stan spoke shakily as tears started to slide down his cheeks. “I’m so sorry, Kyle.”

 

A loud silence passed between the two of them. They both cried openly now, but both were too scared to move. A string had been stretched taut and one wrong move could cut it indefinitely.

 

“Left turn,” Stan whispered.

 

“What?” Kyle questioned exasperatedly.

 

“When we fought you told me that sometimes you need to make a left turn.”

 

“Stan, that wasn’t-”

 

“No, you were right. I don’t...I don’t want to keep doing this. I wanna be happy dammit!” Stan banged his fist on the counter. “I want to be better but I...I can’t do this alone. I hate to be selfish...God, I hate it so much but I need you.”

 

Stan looked down at his feet and braced for the worst. Opening up was never easy for him. He preferred to look at everything with a sense of apathy. Kyle called it nihilism but really he was just scared. Scared to face the shithole he dug himself into.  _ Sometimes you just need to make a left turn. _

 

He felt an arm wrap around his shoulders and looked up. Kyle was smiling. That small smile he rarely gave. The one where his head tilted slightly and his eyes squinted just so. He took Stan’s breath away. Even the tear tracks down his cheeks were beautiful. He was close enough for Stan to see the light freckles on his face.

 

“Would it make you feel better if I told you I needed you too? Cause I do.” He pulled Stan into a hug that the other boy welcomed. “We’ll get through this together.”

 

Stan was slightly taller than Kyle so he pressed his nose into his hair. He held onto him tightly and quietly came to a realization. These feelings he had, it wasn’t just about a kiss. It was more than that. He needed this boy, more than anything else in this world. There he is, the boy I love.  _ There you are, I’ve been looking for you forever. _

 

* * *

 

 

Ever since that night, their friendship went back to normal. No not normal, it was stronger. Stan slowly weaned off drinking frequently and, despite his many protests, was seeing a therapist. A shift happened in South Park, the dynamic duo was back. The world righted itself and everyone gave a sigh of relief. Everyone, except Stan Marsh. Sure, he had his best friend back and he was in a healthy mind space now but there was a huge problem.

 

He is absolutely in love with Kyle and he has no idea what to do about it.

 

Kyle was straight, or at least that’s what he gathered from the boy’s track record of girlfriends. After that night, the two were inseparable but during junior year, Kyle started dating. God, it made Stan feel physically sick to see him with other people. It was worse than seeing Shelly dating. At least with Shelly, he could just ignore her boyfriends and move on. He couldn’t do that with Kyle. Cause each time Kyle had his arm around another girl a part of Stan chipped away.

 

At first, he tried to ignore this new development in Kyle. So he wanted to date? That’s fine. He even selfishly hoped that Kyle would find that he doesn’t like girls. It was a hopeful dream at best because Kyle never stopped dating. The time he spent hanging with his best friend lessened and Stan’s love for him only grew the longer they were apart.

 

Yet, as their senior year went by he never complained about this to Kyle. Partly because he was afraid of blowing his cover but also because he didn’t want him to worry. Kyle would drop anything for Stan and while it was another reason to love him, he couldn’t do that to him. The redhead may have been making out with a lot of chicks, but he was also putting everything into his studies. Kyle never said what he wanted to do but he always said that he wanted to do something important. Whether it was teaching, politics, or being a goddamn superhero. It didn’t matter to Stan because he knew that he could do it. If anyone could get out of South Park and make something out of himself it was Kyle. So, as finals approached, Kyle became more tense and angry. Stan knew it was best to stay out of his way. However, if he happened to pay Ike to give Kyle care packages every so often then that was just that.

 

So, it was a surprise to Stan when on the night before their last day of exams, Kyle asked him to hang out.

 

“Dude, let’s go sit on the billboard at sunset, like old times.”

 

“The Tweak Bros one?” Stan smiled. “Let’s do it. You gonna supply the shitty teriyaki?”

 

“Duh.” Kyle punched his shoulder lightly.

 

“Broflovski!” Clyde Donovan shouted and smacked Kyle on the back. “Heard you got lucky with Heidi last Friday. You dog!”

 

“Shut the fuck up Clyde.” Kyle blushed and Stan stiffened. “You don’t know shit.”

 

“Sure,” Clyde drawled. “The look on your face just proves it. Glad to know you found someone. Now the rest of us stand a chance right, Stanley?”

 

Stan merely grunted.  _ Sure, Clyde, that’s absolutely what he wanted.    _ Stan knew Kyle had made out with practically every girl. He just wasn’t expecting to hear that he fooled around with some. He tried to not picture it.  _ Kyle kissing someone else. Kyle moaning and having sex with someone else. Kyle loving someone else.  _ It didn’t work.

 

Bile burned his throat and he had to leave. He slammed his locker shut and walked away without a word. He hears Kyle shout for him but he ignores it. He needed to get away, he needed to go home. He doesn’t remember the drive home in his beat-up Impala. He doesn’t remember throwing up everything in his stomach. He doesn’t remember grabbing the tequila and climbing to the top of the Tweek Bros billboard. The only thing he remembers is the dull ache in his chest.

 

He takes a sip of the tequila, it burns his throat making him gag.  _ Guess alcohol lost its touch as well _ . He sets it aside and sighs. He rubs his chest and lets his feet dangle off the edge. He remembers reading about this disease on the internet. What was it, Hanahaki disease? Something like that. A disease of unrequited love. A beautiful, tragic disease. The details escape him but when he compares the color of the sunset to Kyle’s curls he knows that he has it. He rests his arms on the railing in front of him.

 

Stan has to admit it. He had to say it to someone, anyone. Maybe if he could get the words out he could move on. Kyle and he were best friends and he wanted to keep that above all. Kyle loved him sure, but not in the way he yearned for.

 

**He loves you but, not in that way.**

 

Stan rubs the tears away before they fall. He had to tell him. He hates to admit it and he knows the truth will hurt more than anything else. It’s such a shame too considering Kyle always says “I really care about you”. Loads of people cared about him. He’d been through that with his therapist. His mother, his father, his friends, Kyle. They all did but caring for and loving are different. You can’t make your heart feel something it won’t.

 

He had to tell him.

 

“Hey,” Stan looked down to see the boy that was consuming his thoughts. “Got room up there for two?”

 

He was wearing his green ushanka. He wore an orange sweater with grey joggers and his beat-up black Converse. In his hand, he held a plastic bag from City Wok. A brown satchel hung off his shoulder and he smiled sheepishly. In the warm glow of the sunset, you could see the freckles dance across his cheeks. Stan never wanted him more.

 

“Yeah, come on up.”

 

Kyle managed to climb up the latter and keep his belongings intact. He was always talented in little ways. God, Stan was such a fool for him. He felt like a damn chick in one of those sitcoms. Everything Kyle did was perfect and it made him feel soft inside.

 

“Here, I got you your usual if you’re hungry.” He handed the styrofoam container over and Stan wished he could kiss him in thanks. He simply took the container with a murmured thanks. “Mind if I put on some music?” Stan shook his head and Kyle pulled out his phone.

 

Forever The Sickest Kids began to play and Stan relaxed against the billboard. He quietly thanked Kyle for picking one of his own playlists. They were mainly depressing and emo but it was what he needed right now. They ate in silence for some time with the soft music coming from Kyle’s phone.

 

“You doing okay?” Kyle almost whispered.

 

“Yeah, I’m alright.”

 

“I was worried when you left earlier.”

 

“I’m sorry,” And he really was. “I just wasn’t feeling well.”

 

“You wouldn’t answer my texts.” Kyle pressed.

 

“I-I told you I’m fine. I just needed some air.”

 

“If you are fine then why is there a bottle of booze up here?”

 

Well damn, he got him there. “I-I just….I need...I need to tell you something.” Well, it was now or never.

 

“I love you, Kyle.”

 

“Wha-” Kyle cocked his head. “I love you too, man. Now, what's wrong?”

 

“That’s just it Kyle. I’m in love with you. I have been for some time.”

 

Kyle sucked in a breath and Stan swore he saw his posture stiffen. He wrapped his arms around his frame and Stan felt tears well in his eyes. He had to do damage control fast before he went home and cried to his mom just like in every shitty romcom he’d seen.

 

“Look I’ve never wanted to tell you this because deep down I know what you’ll say.”

 

“Stan…”

 

“You’d say I love you dude but not in that way.” Stan chuckled bitterly. “Yet, here I am. My feelings are out in the open. I’ve loved you since we were kids. I didn’t realize until that night you saved me but….they were there. Always. I want you and I need you, Kyle.”

 

An uncomfortable silence passed. Stan decided to cut the tension. “I feel like I needed to tell you even if I can’t bare what happens next. I can’t sit by if you decide to move after graduation without telling you how much you mean to me. And I guess that’s why I was so sick to hear that you slept with someone...I guess I had just hoped somehow...that would be me. Stupid, right?” Stan sniffled and rubbed his face again.

 

“Stan...We...We’ve never been like that.” Kyle’s voice shook.

 

“Yeah well,” Stan glared at the ground. The sorrow being replaced by sheer bitterness. “I’ve tried to stop it but I can’t...I guess telling you is my way of trying to get over this. I don’t want to lose you.” Stan tried to fight the tears that were already streaming down his face.

 

The soft sounds of One Day at a Time fill the silence. Kyle, stiff and closed off, and Stan, crying quietly to himself. Stan sighs shakily. The longer he stays, the harder this will be. He just needs to go home, take a shower, and sleep for days.

 

“Look,” His voice cracks. “I’m just going to go. I can’t make you love me.”

 

“I-I never said that I didn’t love you.”

 

“I love you as a friend too.”  _ I can’t bear this. _

 

“Stan!” Kyle grabbed his arm tightly. Stan wobbled and nearly fell off the railing. Kyle pushed him back so he was flush against the billboard. “You always fucking do this! You never let me get a word in because you’re too busy playing the fucking scene out in your head! You don’t know everything!”

 

Stan stares back in shock. He should have expected Kyle to get angry but he didn’t expect him to say those words. Don’t know everything? What was there to know? Kyle’s body language said enough.

 

“Kyle,” He practically sobbed. “I can’t do this...Please, just let me go.”

 

“No! No, you don’t...You don’t get to just say that and...You-”

 

Kyle placed his hands on Stan’s head and forced them to lock eyes. Stan hitched a breath. Those green eyes stared into his soul. Everything was out in the open for him. Could they go back to the way they were after this? It was never that easy, was it?

 

Kyle wiped away a few of Stan’s tears. It was so gentle that Stan just cried more. Kyle moved forward hesitantly and placed their foreheads together. Stan leaned into the touch and placed his hands on top of Kyle’s. Stan’s cries became more of sobs and his body shook. Kyle rubbed his thumbs against his cheeks and tried to shush him.

 

“You never had to be scared,” Kyle whispered, his breath sending a chill down Stan’s spine. “You never had to worry.”

 

Kyle pressed forward and let their lips brush.  _ Warmth. Everything was warm.  _ It was sun-kissed skin on the first day of summer. Hushed whispers under the soft light of a lamp and relief in the arms of an embrace. It was breathtaking and, yet, a breath of fresh air. Stan wondered how he had lasted so long without his touch.

 

“I love you, too.”

 

“I...You do?”

 

“Yeah...I have for a long time.”

 

“You have?” Stan let a giggle slip out. And because he could, he leaned in for another kiss.

 

“Yeah,” Kyle breathed. “I don’t know if you remember but freshmen year I asked you if you were going to the dance. You said yeah and that you had asked Wendy to go. Then...you asked me if I had anyone in mind…”

 

“You...You said that the person you wanted to ask was already taken.”

 

“Yeah, well, that was you.” Kyle looked away and blushed. “I knew I liked you since maybe middle school? Or forever, I honestly couldn’t tell you when it started.”

 

“Oh,” Stan’s face burned. “Then why were you sucking girls faces?”  _ Wow, so blunt Marsh. _

 

“I guess I was trying to...get over you? Also experimenting to see if I was gay or whatever. Never really helped me get over you clearly.” Kyle rubbed their noses together and Stan giggled again. The love of his life loves him back. How could he not? "I should have told you but...I was terrified of what you would do. I convinced myself that we could never be together. Which, like a lot of things I have done, was really dumb."

 

“But Clyde said, Heidi-”

 

“Clyde doesn’t know shit,” Kyle growled. “You want to know what we did? We talked about you. We talked about how I’m madly in love with you and she could see it from ten feet away. She was trying to help me sort out my feelings.”

 

“Oh,”  _ Wait.  _ “You’re madly in love with me?” Stan grinned impossibly wide.

 

“I didn’t-” His face turned a dark red to rival his hair color. “Shut the fuck up.”

 

Stan threw his head back and laughed. Still chuckling, he wrapped his arms around the other boy. He squeezed him tightly and rocked them back in forth a few times. He pressed Kyle to his chest and placed a kiss on the top of his hat.

 

“What made you know?” Kyle whispered.

 

“That night when you saved me from myself.” Stan looked up at the stars and thanked each one for the boy in his arms. “God, Kyle, I was so gone that night. You didn’t have to come over after reading my text. You didn’t deserve that. I treated you like shit. I don’t deserve you.”

 

“Stan, don’t just-”

 

“No, please let me finish.” He tangled their fingers together. “You came over to see me regardless...And you were so gentle. You fucking sang Mayday Parade and smiled at me. Your smile literally leads me out of the dark of my head, Kyle.”

 

“Sorry, that was pretty gay.” Stan laughed nervously.

 

“Hey,” Kyle turned to face him. He was crying again. Stan tried to wipe them away and Kyle chuckled. “Nothing wrong with being gay.”

 

“Good.” Stan grinned.

 

“I-I love you so much. I’ll always be here, okay? Now that I have you...I'm never letting you go.”

 

“Okay...I love you too. So much, you have no idea.”

 

Kyle blushed and wrapped his arms around Stan’s neck. “I think I have a pretty good idea.”

 

“Ky?” Stan hummed.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Kiss me again.”

 

“If you want a kiss so bad then what’s stopping you? You have a pair of lips too.”

 

“I want you to kiss me. I forgot what it’s like.”

 

“I just kissed you not even ten minutes ago?”

 

“Sounds like a pretty shitty boyfriend if you ask me.”  _ Woah, Marsh, that was fucking bold. _

 

“Boyfriend...Well...I guess I need to make up for it then.” Kyle smiled slowly.

 

“Yeah, I’d say so.”

 

Despite his words, Stan met Kyle halfway for another kiss. Kyle’s lips were so soft and Stan made a mental note to take better care of his chapped ones. Kyle pulled away after but Stan found himself chasing after him. He placed his hands on the sides of his face and pulled him into a deeper kiss.

 

Stan had only kissed a few people and he was never confident in his abilities. He often got too enthusiastic which led to him bumping the other girl’s nose or clunking their teeth together. Kissing Kyle, like everything else involving him, was different. He felt confident, he felt good. He brushed his tongue along Kyle’s lips and they both sighed when Kyle let him in.

 

Stan groaned low in the back of his throat. It was like the two had been starved for so long. It was so much that Stan had to pull away to breath for a second. Kyle began peppering his face with light kisses. Stan sighed contently until Kyle blew a raspberry onto his cheek. Stan shoved him away playfully.

 

“Dude, gross!” He giggled.

 

“What? You don’t like that?” Kyle grinned devilishly. He dug his fingers underneath Stan’s arms. “How about this?”

 

Stan practically screeched.  _ No, his underarms were his kryptonite! _ He tried to wrestle away but Kyle was no weakling. They used to tussle all the time as kids. The rules were always simple: the first one to die loses. As Stan gasps for air, he thinks that Kyle still goes by those rules.

 

“Okay!” Stan wheezed. “Uncle! Uncle! I give up.”

 

“Victory for the Jews!” Kyle chants. His face softens briefly. “Hey, it’s our song.”

 

Kansas played through the speaker of Kyle’s phone and Stan smiles. Once he catches his breath, the two begin to sing. It turns into screaming as they shout into the open night. They wrap their arms around each other’s shoulders and sway back and forth cackling. And just like that, it was as if nothing had changed.

 

Kyle was still Kyle and Stan was still Stan. They were super best friends.

 

They loved each other and nothing could tear them apart. 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Songs Referenced:  
> I swear this time I mean it - Mayday Parade  
> Not in that way - Sam Smith  
> Coffee Break - Forever the Sickest Kids  
> One day at a time - Sam Smith  
> Carry on wayward son - Kansas
> 
> I would just like to say that this fic was heavily inspired by this fanart by dudemarsh on tumblr.  
> (https://dudemarsh.tumblr.com/post/169723061446/hugs-might-not-cure-depression-but-damn-they-help)  
> Please check out their work! They are such an amazing artist and that Style comic just killed me.  
> Anyways, I fell deep into South Park haha. I love Stan and Kyle and had to write about them. Especially, after all the drama they've been through recently ((´д｀)). This was originally supposed to be 100% angst because I started it during a horrible semester. However, my heart couldn't take it so I changed it. This fic and this note are so long, I'm so sorry. Hope you enjoyed! (*^▽^*)
> 
> P.S. If you are waiting for more Autumn Leaves, have no worries! I'm working on more chapters! (*＾▽＾)／
> 
> Tumblr: Empatheticfoxwritings


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